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With the sexual guarantees of pre-pubescent spin-the-bottle games and Big Red's "just kiss a little longer" campaign a thing of the past, Wintergreen Lifesaver's "when you bite it in the dark it makes a spark" gives the inexperienced a classier way to ignite some real electricity. It was, always has been, and always will be good old Joe, with a comic wrap to keep that smile on your face and a familiar flavor to keep you chomping and blowing bubbles all throughout that boring science b section. Who was there in elementary school and junior high? Not the Wrigley's twins, not any strangely favored lifesaver, not any "curiously strong" mint. What's weaker than a sudden explosion of mock maturity than the youngster who without warning switches from bubble gum to mint? Really, it's all about the roots. Go back to your roots with the one and only Bazooka Joe. Though it may leave neophytes running for water, however, the Altoid remains the mature alternative to chewing cud or making sparks.

Should you respond to their bidding, keep this in mind: the Altoid is a deadly, deadly breath freshener. Set us free, their vaguely hospitalic aroma commands.

Small, round and chalky, they threaten to burst from their Britishly metal tins. The origin of the unassuming peppermints' curious strength has baffled consumers for almost two centuries. It refuses to catch fire, and it might as well be medicated.